By: Kgabo Chuene
I recently got out of a “situationship” that went on for about two years. It was on and off because at different points both of us dated other people or saw other people or whatever. It feels like a normal break up because though unofficial it was very real, at least for me. I must say that I’ve walked the entire emotion spectrum throughout these two years, from being angry and taking vows of silence to pathetic sessions of begging for attention. The “break up” looked like hours of questions, answers, apologies in a car outside my place, and later tons of tears, it was both gorgeous and dreadful. During one of my weeping sessions, lol (it’s actually really not funny), I sent him this (did some edits):
I feel like I just hit my little toe on the leg of the table. It’s sore 🙁 like my heart is punishing me for loving and wanting you. I know that that’s just the hurt though, because I’d do it again. A lot differently but I’d agree again to that first cold winter night in the Eastern Cape when you came into my room and introduced me to this side of you and you held me while we spoke the whole night. This is familiar to me though.
My relationship track record is terrible. I have always given pieces of myself away without doing the homework. I mean I probably should have asked the direct questions before I was knee deep in the fantasy of walking down an isle towards you someday. I didn’t ask because I knew because you’ve always told me but more than that you’ve always shown me. Asking would have brought us to this inevitable moment sooner and I wanted to hold on just a little while longer.
I lived for the good moments. When you’d affirm me or be with me despite your being tired. I realise that I was a bit selfish too. I remember when I was with the crazy guy and you spoke to me and I knew how my reaction would make you feel, or at least I had an intention to make you feel some type of way. For that I’m truly sorry. I thought the who didn’t matter as much as the what at the time. I quickly learnt that it wasn’t just about the fuzzy feelings and stuff and that I wanted you.
But I got with a guy for what I wanted to look as progress for what I thought was progress actually. He was suppose to make it all go away, needless to say he ended up adding to my pile of things to deal with whatever that means. I should’ve been more honest than I was, I’m sorry for this too. I was in effect lying by omission. I’m still dealing (whatever that looks like because Lord knows I have no clue) with past things and people just like you and even as I type this there’s still a naivety about what I believe about love and about you. But I do the surviving thing well. One day I hope it won’t have to be the theme of my life. You said once that I made you feel like you were not enough as you are, I’m sorry for ever making you feel this way. You’re enough.
I mean throughout the entire thing I always was scared to say certain things because you know, he wasn’t really mine. I would tip toe around my true feelings until much later. So though he’s never sort of promised me more, how we were relating was speaking volumes. To be fair I wasn’t completely delusional to assume that maybe we could work out. In the famous words of Maya Angelou though, “when someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them”. The closest thing I ever got was “I probably also love you” or a polite “thank you” after I just mentioned that I would make a life altering decision for him. Look, it’s not his fault that I am/was (not sure where I’m at right now with it) in love with him (I probably still am) and I own that, but it doesn’t suck any less. Why did I stay that long neh? He’s a great guy man, really hard working and inspirational and really responsible regarding his life decisions. I liked how he made me feel about myself most of the time (he’s really good at that) and I liked that he is very in tune with his emotions and is able to articulate exactly how he feels, lol! This should have been my queue. Anyway, I’m walking all of it out and I’ll discover more as I go.
This is not one of those “don’t ever do it” type of articles. I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone to not ever do it because there are things about my journey that are credit to him and this experience that I’m grateful for (Relax, I’m not saying the things would not ever have happened outside of this). I’m just sharing my experience. It was worth it for me in that sense. My friend the other day said “I’ve realised through all of my relationships that loving someone doesn’t mean owning them, people don’t belong to us”. I mean, people have an obsession with the idea of forever and sometimes it’s okay for things to last a little while, but that’s a whole other can of worms I’ll open on another day.
Someone told me I have to choose one. I intend on living all of my dreams. Found this article interesting? Leave a comment or follow me on Twitter @Sabby_1